


Better

by KingpinCobblepot (Theonlylucysaxon)



Series: Comfort and Confirmation [3]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, just realism, no happy ending, tw depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 13:46:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18262535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theonlylucysaxon/pseuds/KingpinCobblepot
Summary: Ed is sick. Established relationship. Oswald is the kind of partner who I think everyone who struggles deserves. One of yet another realistic looks at depression and the introspective way it all feels.





	Better

“Are you hungry?” Came Oswald’s soft voice from the doorway and Ed just managed to open his eyes and look. Even that felt like too much. It wasn’t a good day. They were coming more and more frequently lately and Edward so loathed the fact that he could feel the distance between them growing with each episode of his illness. It was closing in around him. Making him alone. He was always meant to be alone though wasn’t he? The act of movement seemed too much and so he lay there in the bed, rolling to his twentieth hour of just being still. Ever since he came out of the ice, something in him revelled in the self loathing and immense weight of emptiness-- worthlessness-- hollow emotion which he often considered must have been better than no emotion at all. At least feeling pain was feeling something, but even that was fading sometimes. Times like now. 

He stared at Oswald and wondered when he would leave. When would he be too tired to deal with just how broken the Riddler was. Soon? Probably. Lately Ed could barely stomach being touched by Oswald, and he wouldn’t blame him to awaken one morning to him being gone. It would make sense. Ed was exhausted by his weakness, he would escape if he could-- why shouldn’t Oswald run from it? Find a nice normal man. Someone who had never hurt him, and even better someone who wasn’t such a failure at the simple act of getting out of bed. He could find someone uncomplicated. Someone beautiful. Someone whole. 

He could never understand how they got here anyway. After everything they had done to one another, he assumed Oswald felt sorry for him. That must have been why Oswald took him in. He probably felt responsible. Since he froze Ed, and being frozen seemed the thin which made him sink to this new low in mental health. However…. Then there was the simple truth Oswald could never understand which was the way depression had always lingered right there on the outskirts of his sanity. It came closer and closer with the chipping away of the man he pretended to be. Ed had always been broken. He just used to be much better at hiding it. That didn’t mean he was well-- it just meant he was good at lying about it. Oswald might never realize that. Maybe it was better if he didn’t. Was it selfish to want Oswald there with him trying? Even if he knew he was hurting him… Atleast Ed wasn’t alone. He stared at those soft blue green eyes, so pleading for Ed to just talk to him. And Ed wondered if he could understand how much his presence meant. 

Even if it seemed hopeless, even if he was hopeless... Even when he couldn’t feel anything… Even when he couldn’t bare the notion of living… Even when his fingers imagined the revolver in his hand and just how easy that shot would be to end Ed’s suffering and kill the person he hated most in the world, himself…. Even when things were at their worst… Even when his depression being crippling enough to hinder his ability to move was the only thing that spared his life….

At least he wasn’t alone. 

For now. 

That was something. 

“No.” Ed finally spoke, answering a question which felt had gone so long without an answer that it no longer needed one. 

Oswald’s gaze softened and he just nodded. He didn’t leave. Ed wished he would. The great irony of it all, that even knowing on that level deep down just how much he craved not being alone, it felt suffocating to be around anyone. He curled into himself a little and Oswald just sighed, stepping away. God he was good. Better than Ed deserved. Better than anyone could deserve who was sick like this. He was just in the process of spiraling back into thoughts of how with every ticking second, he inched closer to Oswald giving up on him when his phone vibrated on the nightstand. He frowned a little and waited a full five minutes of battling between his curiosity and the fact movement felt like an expense of effort he just couldn’t manage… His curiosity just barely won. He opened his phone and found a text from Oswald.

[Oswald] I can’t be bought, but I can be stolen with a glance. I’m worthless to one, but priceless to two. What am I? 

Ed stared at it for a long moment. It was reassuring but it was also hurtful somehow. It was everything. It was nothing. That text bleared into gibberish with how long Ed stared at it. The words slanted and the text marred itself into black blurs and became… Impossible to distinguish from one another. It was somehow unbearably cruel and unfair and also the sweetest thing Ed could have imagined. It was sickening either way. Why did he have to be so wonderful. It only sparked further frustration at what a terrible lover Ed was. But then he was so good. So kind. To be loved the way he loved Ed was an honor. Just as much as it was a burden. His stomach flipped as he continued to stare at the words.

Later in the day-- well night, nearing midnight actually, Ed would venture from bed, only to end up wrapped in a blanket on the sofa in the library. Oswald brought him tea. He thanked him for getting up. 

“Don’t patronize me.” He spat, while in his head, he chided himself for being such a bastard. After everything, after all Oswald did. He spat at him like he hated him. Maybe in a way, with all the mounting resentment he did sort of… Hate him. But god he loved him. He loved him so much even right now when he couldn’t feel it. When he couldn’t feel anything. 

“I wasn’t….” Oswald sighed and offered up a cup of tea he made. Ed took it with a sigh. He was terrible to Oswald and it made him feel worse in all ways, even in resenting Oswald because he was kind and Ed could never be like that to him it felt. He opened his mouth about to apologize, for everything. Being useless and worthless and rude and mean and everything Oswald deserved better than, but Oswald leaned in and pressed a very soft kiss to his forehead. “You’re worth it.” He cut him off and Ed frowned deeply with confusion. “I know. It’s hard. Everything. And it isn’t fair. And you can’t really help it. Even if you tell yourself that if you tried harder maybe you could… You can’t. And I know that. I know things will get better. Not perfect. But better. Some day… And I love you. Because even with all your terrible, awful, bastard days-- on the days when it crushes you and I get caught somewhere in the middle… You’re worth it, Ed. I promise. I’m perfectly capable of leaving if I wanted to. I don’t. You’re worth it… I promise….” It was more reassurance than Ed had been given maybe ever. And if he could feel, he imagined joy would fill him. If he could cry, he would. As it was, he managed a gentle nod of understanding and they looked at one another for a long moment before Oswald left to do work, and Ed sank into the couch. It made things better. Not perfect. Not even good. 

But better.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't going to post this but was ultimately convinced because I just want to be able to help people with what I write. And so... I hope it can help someone. (: 
> 
> Your comments and likes sustain me. As always. Give me life.


End file.
